“I’ve been celibate for almost a year – I feel like sex gets in the way of actually getting to know potential boyfriends and I feel like my body count is already high. So I’ve decided to wait until marriage or at least until I find a guy I think is worth it. Do you think this a good idea?”

I so understand the struggle of trying to find genuine friendship/emotional intimacy from men while trying to balance when (and how, and where, and why) to introduce sex into the scenario. Unfortunately, society (men) created this impossible standard of “purity” that makes navigating sex and intimacy a nightmare for women. Here’s the scoop: it’s all bullshit. But bullshit with real social significance.

Women can never do anything right – either we fuck too much or not enough. Dress too slutty or not slutty enough. “Give it up” too soon or not soon enough. The “rules” are arbitrary because they’re not based in anything logical. Women are expected to live our entire lives prioritizing and centering men AND having zero autonomy.

Women who know we have agency over our bodies disrupt one, of many, underlying issues: ownership. Men are socialized to believe they own women (we are not far-removed from laws upholding this). Women having sex on our own accord, or simply doing what we want with our bodies, threatens men and our (assigned/perceived) level of “value.”

We’re told our purpose in life is to get married but if we are “too” sexual, we are less valuable. If we are less valuable, we aren’t “wife-able.” And if we aren’t “wife-able” we are …useless and have failed at our one responsibility/duty.

With that said, my suggestion to women is to deprioritize the value and energy placed upon men’s approval and presence. Unpack what it means if you are NOT loved or “chose” by a man.

When you begin to do this work, your entire approach to sex, love and dating will change because you will now enter relationships, romantic or otherwise, with clarity. It will no longer be about being palatable to men; it will be about showing up authentically.

#AskRaquelSavage

@RaquelSavage
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Raquel Savage is a Board Certified Sex Therapist who holds a Bachelor’s in Communication, a board certification in Human Sexuality and a Master’s in Counseling. Savage is dedicated to educating the masses on a variety of topics including but not limited to: sex, intimacy and sexuality. Savage also provides one-on-one and couple’s Sex Coaching – an informal style of counseling focused on building sex-positive attitudes. For more information and to contact Raquel Savage visit: www.RaquelSavage.com